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In Car Contemplation Too

I was thinking in the Sapphire Sled last night after I bounced from the bar with my T-shirt our team won... Why am I so train wreck-y lately? I think I'm distracted. Why am I distracted? 'cause I'm trying to answer this question: "What is it about me that isn't good enough about me to date and/or have a relationship with and be happy?"

 One answer I've been told: You try too hard. 

 Well, good, I say! Because if I didn't then I would be true to myself. That's what I do, that's how I am, and hell, if you know anything about me, I do not half ass any task. So yeah, I am gonna "try too hard". I'm raw, I'm real, and I'm full throttle. I earned my moniker 'los with the most years ago. Since I've earned it I've continuously owned it. But I didn't give myself this nickname. Like all nicknames should be, it was bestowed on me. It's up to me to live it up.

 Why the f- would I start half assing a life changing situation like this? The answer is easy: I wouldn't. I won't!

 I digress. 

 Today, this morning after finishing my Americano [read previous entry] I've concluded that there is nothing wrong with me or that I'm not good enough for someone to have a relationship with. My evidence? I've had dates, hook ups, girlfriends, and even a token marriage. The kicker was the "be happy" part of the question.

 I realize that the 'los with the most fan club cheers that there's someone out there for me - I just haven't found her yet. And yet... as optimistic as I like to be, I'm leaning towards the opinion that there's a distinct possibility that there isn't someone out there for me that can make me truly happy. 

 And that possibility increases (percentage of failure) with each passing year and each new woman that I encounter that advances no further than just small talk. I know I've joked to co-workers that I should convert to being a monk (at least it got the reaction I was seeking - laughter) 

Now what, you ask? 

 Now that I'm armed with the decision that there's nothing wrong with me, I'll seek out that one person that I can be happy with. I don't need them to make me happy; already am. So if the conclusion of my search is no one - then so be it. At least I don't have that distraction of self-doubt. 

 This has been your C Note. I'm 'los with the most and I'm resuming my digging now... 

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