Follow Me!

Please note: All my thoughts are denoted with italics.

With WCP (my lil’ sister) being in NY for a cruise FAM, and moments ago, having a microvisit with The Scholar (coworker, Eric D), it reminded me of the funniest memories I’ve had a cruise FAM.

Costco Travel once again bestowed on me a cruise educational trip on Windstar Cruises (Familiarization Trip or FAM for short), shortly after the Wind Song was ordered to be scuttled in the Sea of the Moon (between Tahiti and Moorea) because of the extensive fire damage done to it a month before.

I digress.

The cruise FAM was on the Wind Star. And my story happens after the FAM was completed. My co-workers on this trip was Travis, Anita and Kris. My roommate was Travis. During the cruise, he shared with me that he’s never been on a FAM before and that he’s relying on my guidance. So with a wide sweeping declaration, I said, Trust me, Travis. Just follow me.

We were disembarking the Wind Star en route to the airport transfer. To double-check, I ask a Wind Star employee if “this bus” was one of the many transfers to the airport. She looks at the bus that I’m pointing at and confirms – yep, that’s it. Foolish me, I trust her. Subsequently, Travis trusts me. If you know my stories, this is when it usually goes to hell in a hand basket!

We board the bus without issue. Since it’s Travis’s first time, I offered the window seat. Once we get rolling a nice lady named, Olga, jumps on the microphone to give commentary on the drive. Nothing unusual about that – so far. Most transfers are not so chatty, but hey, it’s Florida. It’s the South, maybe she was being hospitable.

Then she starts dialogue about “when we’re on the tour”, and “be sure to follow closely”, which concerns me. As I peer out the window, I watch in silent horror as we literally zip pass the Ft Lauderdale Airport Exit Only sign. Luckily Travis didn’t see that! But I’ve already had an OH$H!T second, we’re on a  post-cruise shore excursion.

Oh, French toast!

Olga finishes her dialogue with this: “You can always know where I am in the park, by this…” She brandishes a bright green umbrella with what appears to be alligator eyes on top. NOW Travis knows something is rotten in Denmark. Ish… I mutter. I subtly approach Olga.

Me: “Hi Olga. I’m Carlos. I have accidentally boarded the wrong transfer bus, and literally dragged my co-worker along.”

Olga: “That’s a big problem, Carlos.”

Me: “For sure. Since we didn’t pay for the shore excursion can we stay on the bus for the duration, and be returned to the airport once it’s done?”

Olga: “I’m sorry, Carlos, no. This bus will continue on to other areas.”

Me: I am Carlos’s worst nightmare “Ok, we’ll camp out at the office area.”

Olga: “There’s really nothing there but an office. Lemme discuss this with my company, and we’ll letcha know. Please take your seat in the meantime.”

Me: How am I gonna start this story once I get back to HQ… “Travis, I’m so sorry, bro.”

Travis: “What’s going on, ‘los?”

Me: I mentally sigh. I’m about to drop a ginormous bomb on a very unsuspecting victim… “We’re on a post-cruise shore excursion with an airport transfer after.”

Travis: “WHAT?!”

Me: Yeah, knew that was gonna go over like lead weight “Yeah, buddy. Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out.”

Travis: “Oh, ok, ‘cause that’s got us far right now.”

[Moments later]

Olga: “Carlos. How did you manage to end up on this bus without a ticket?”

Me: “Oh,” I pause. “That. Hm. Well, we bought the post-cruise transfers onboard so they didn’t have a voucher. They advised it was manifest only.”

Olga: Still baffled, “Ok, well, we’re almost there. When’s your flight?”

Me: “About 3 o’clock and change.”

She turns on her heel and returns to her seat.

[Arrival]

After several minutes of panic, because I’ve concluded there’s only one other flight option for us to get home tonight. I talked with the security guard who has a pickup truck; tried to bribe him into a ride. Nope.

In the meantime, Olga walks up and announces, “Ok, you two.” I can feel Travis’s laser eyes trying to burn my skull in half. This is Carlos’s last FAM, I tell you what! “I’ve scored you two seats on the fan boat tour. Let’s go now.”

To fully appreciate the situation, you must know that Costco Travel attire for FAMS is slacks, collared shirts, dress shoes, and more. I think, this is really happening? We board the airboat with the other passengers dressed as tourist while we look like Cuban drug lords with my shades, red iridescent shirt, black slacks, black dress shoes, bling galore, and then Travis – my rather silent assistant.

I’ve often wondered if he was silently cheering for me to crash and burn. After all it’s highly entertaining to watch me squirm out of trouble!

At any rate, we rock up this shore excursion. We are educated about the Everglades, and alligators. ‘gators for short. I still remember the information learned too! After the airboat tour, we were invited to walk through the “zoo”. It was time to tell BITCHASSNESS, my wife at the time, of my situation.  

Picture this – I’m on the cellphone (Nokia bar like phone) near the swamp bunny exhibit having a heated conversion wearing what I’m wearing. WOW!

The walking tour ends with a ‘gator keeper demonstration with Hannibal, a 1,200 lb. alligator that lives there.

Aiight, tour ends, we board the bus. I’m thinking we might actually make it on time. Maybe. As we are dropped off for our flight, Travis and I hand over as much cheddar as we have: 36 dollars. With a thank you, a hug, we bounce. We have time to beat security, post up for lunch, and roll to the gate.

Travis is still bent!

I buy him lunch, I felt so bad. After lunch, we roll to the gate. A very exasperated Anita and Kris run up to us. Obvious questions on their minds, “where the hell were we? ”Wouldn’t believe me if I told you, “why didn’t you answer?” No reception in the middle of the SWAMP!, “and how did you manage to get here on time?” I’m kinda a big deal like that.

Travis beams the brightest smiles, “’los and I went on a free shore excursion!” He puts his arms around their shoulders, with the words, “Lemme tell you what happened.”

Really, Travis? I guess I’ll follow them this time…