Forgive For Good

In another step to improve on myself, i.e. keep digging, I quietly made a New Year’s resolution to learn to forgive the people I don’t currently interact with anymore. In order to do that, I sought out what is forgiveness and then I can begin to learn how to do it.

Apologies in advance, ‘cause it’s gonna be perceived as preachy!  But this is only my rhetoric, pay no mind to it. 

“Forgive, and forget”, right? Wrong!

Forgiveness can lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the ones who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

I know that my anger towards these folks resides in a crucible of hurt, betrayal, confusion and frustration.

Hurt – This person / these people hurt my feelings.

Betrayal – This person / these people misused my trust in them. They lied to me with a malicious intent.

Confusion – This person / these people actively choose to hurt me, and betray me for what reason? What do I do to invoke this?

Frustration – I have no recourse. They broke my trust, my feelings and my heart, and I can’t do the same to them.

I searched and researched and read to finally find 9 steps that I can relate and agree to follow.

9 Steps from Forgive For Good website … my color commentary follows each step with “- CB:”

1.       Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience. – CB: oh, I know I feel and have definitely articulated more than a few couple trusted folks.

2.       Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. – CB: Talk about an epiphany! Had I known it is for me, not for them … Christ I would’ve done it years ago!

3.       Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.” – CB: this a tall order for me, but I’ll do it.

4.       Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings. – CB: Currently working on this perspective. Perhaps if I stood on my head, only then can I understand. Plus I don’t know how to do that successfully, so I would accomplish two action items!!

5.       At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response. – CB: I’m gonna guess that yelling, screaming, drinking, are not what they had in mind … *snaps fingers in a sweeping motion* Golly, gee, guess I’ll meditate instead!

6.       Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them. – CB: HM. It was unrealistic for me to hold on to this vision that they would apologize on their hands and knees after a mile of crawling through broken glass. Or encountering them in a dark, seedy part of a city with no witnesses, as they lie bleeding out on Death’s doorstep. *pOoF* Vision gone.

7.       Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want. – CB: Sounds simple enough. Partner up and trust those that share your life pursuits. Or in my case, find someone else who has been hurt like me in the same way.

8.       Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power. – CB: Oy. 8 steps later I’m finally to a fun one! I’ve known, and lived this step for years but with the silent hope, those that trespassed on me hear of it. Again, I’m still learning to forgive!

9.       Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.- CB: I love being a HERO!! If I actively live these steps, and continuously do them with practiced diligence, I’ll be able to forgive almost instantly!

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

So with that being said, I added one last step – Step #10, Break Crucible of hurt, betrayal, confusion and frustration! Learn to forgive, and forgive for good.

‘los; out