A large portion of the Brew Crew; g-MONEY (Scott), Hotlips (Sidney), Pinay Power (Lupe), Smokin’ Aces (John), Char-the-Star (Charlene), and ‘los with the most (yours truly), paid for a Southern Caribbean cruise on the Carnival Destiny. The following are excerpts from my journal entries about our adventure…
September 28th and 29th 2007
“Joy To The World”
Talk about being artificially busy. I may have achieved 1 hour of God’s honest work today… hell, I’m going on a cruise what did I care? [at the airport] Met with Sidney and Scott since they were on the same flight. Delta had a flight schedule change and re-routed us thru JFK versus Orlando. Nice. Thanks, Delta! A red-eye flight that was long was further extended. I was four-wheelin’ badly by the time we touched down in San Juan.
Thankfully getting a taxi and riding wasn’t nearly as much dramarama during my Vegas trip… [Sheraton Old San Juan] Check in was breezy; I’m still waiting for the bottom to drop out. The "heavenly" beds were great for our disco nap! [Lupi’s] Not to be confused with Lupe! Scott wanted to watch the football game and eat dinner. W/ no other objections, we did. All was well until the karaoke company starting setting up. Then this dying cat got a hold of the mic and broke off a bad version of Shakira. CHECK PLEASE! [Señor Frogs] Ah, yes. Returning to the scene of the crime. It’s Saturday night at 10p or so and it’s dead. I mean morgue kinda dead. And no 3 Dog Night Joy to the World Hand Jive either. [Cinderella time] Around midnight the place was finally crackin’!! Our MC starting giving out free shots based on correct answers for the music trivia. A live band then entertained us. We kicked the shoe home around 2 am.
September 30th 2007
“Bon Voyage!”
Amazingly we weren’t ruined by morning. Then again we slept in until check out. Right as rain. Speaking of which, San Juan had plenty. Followed us like a damn lost puppy dog from Seattle. Shit! We stashed our bags at the front desk to seek out food, and more. While eating lunch and watching several football games, it poured. I mean out and out torrential rain. The weather lighten after a half-hour. We used this time to complete our errands. While transiting the pharmacy and the hotel the skies opened up on us… Completely soaked by the time we slid into the Sheraton lobby. We tried to wait out the weather, eventually pulling the rip cord and just bolt for the ship. Many offers of taxis by onlookers under building cover. No thanks, we’re here already. Then the dock workers asked, nay practically demanded a tip. So much for the definition of gratitude. [embarkation] John and Lupe were in line by the time we arrived. We all wanted showers but couldn’t until our bags were delivered to the cabin.
Dinner time! Our first one and it was open seating. Meaning the Brew Crew will have to wait to adjourn tomorrow. We, Charlene and I, were seated w/ some interesting folks that invariably will plague us the entire cruise. Our dinner was cut short due to the life boat drill. This’ll be a slight exaggeration, as all ‘los stories are, but not by much. A female crew member attempted to assist me w/ my life jacket. I wasn’t having an issue, she was just being helpful. Well, she had a difficult yet vigorous time trying to lasso the belt around my back. And all I could do is liken the scene to a small dog dry humping the leg of an owner. I’m quietly cracking up to myself. Do I have to pay extra for that? Did I mention that the male crew member was the splitting image of my friend Isaac? Oh yeah, and Charlene thought I was busting up about that until I filled her in.
Bon voyage, sir! INDEED…
October 1st 2007
“Sharks, turtles, and bamboo chicken, oh my!”
St Thomas, USVI
Woke up late morning… ate some breakfast buffet, dragged some down for Char. Loaded up the backpack to head out to Magan’s Bay. At first only a few people were there. White sand beach that felt like powdered sugar under your feet and between your toes. The crystal blue water stretching out as far as the eye can see. Then the horde arrived. Our serenity was shredded by squealing, and yelling crunk Carnival passengers. Lovely. We decided to walk down the beach considering that would be too much activity for the crowd. Charlene spotted with her I-spy-eagle-eyes tropical fish, flute fish, a nurse shark, a sea turtle and more while walking along. I’m a big dumb dog obviously missing all of this. She tried convincing me that a small rock was coming home w/ us. Sadly I had to inform her and illustrate that the rock was a clam and couldn’t go home unless we killed it first. Death was not on the menu today.
[later on] While sunning on the beach, 2 ghost crabs scuffled over a hideaway. The bigger one won of course but not after chasing each other all over, almost on top of us! We decided to just get out of the sun, and pack up our stuff. To the bar! Had some drinks and people watching. We spotted a huge iguana! You should hear my bamboo chicken story or laugh out loud ‘cause you’ve already heard it. 5 feet long at least. Since we were feeling pretty good we decided it was time to return to the ship or at least the pier area. Did a little shopping. Thankfully I have the world’s best wife in the sense she doesn’t enjoy window shopping. She wants, she buys, she leaves. It’s just that simple, kids. [later on] we watched the sunset and departure from our balcony. Always tight. Had dinner with our crew, plus 4. Spent some time in the All Star Bar for Monday Night Football. Charlene went to sleep and I explored. Found the Onyx Bar to enjoy live jazz music, Johnny Walker Red Label, and my Don Tomás cigar. Popped into the disco for a dance or two. Slid over to Downbeat Lounge just to check out the karaoke scene. Same as it was in San Juan. Some Latina was chopping up a Spanish song clad in muffin-topped jeans and a tight white tank top. And oh yeah, I went there! It’s my journal.
October 2nd 2007
“Playing Games”
Dominica
Charlene and I finally bought our shore excursions last night. One was the Dominica Canopy Challenge. Sounded like fun. Maybe something out of the movie, Medicine Man. Probably no Sean Connery but we’ll take it. By 9a g-MONEY, Hotlips, Char-the-Star and myself were assembled ready to rock. [later on] While David the driver was doing his tour guide Ken doll impression, we looked out the windows. Yeah, we rolled through the town of Massacre. AND… a man w/ a machete was walking towards it on the side of the road. Oh, on the side of the road too was a random black cow. Just standing there.
It’s raining hard by the time we get to the site. Lovely. Glad I packed along “Cyclops” (our DSLR camera) only to be left in the van. So we sign our lives away on a waiver, get strapped into a harness, given a brain bucket and brief safety instructions. Basically this is an aerial obstacle course that Olympic gymnasts would be hard pressed to complete. Each section was a game. A GAME?! Are you serious? Single cable walk-alongs, moving log platforms, ziplines, and more. Fear Factor has absolutely nothing on me, even though I haven’t watched an episode. ‘bout midway through was this ‘game’. The platform was hanging over a large ravine. Approximately 50 to 60 feet away was a large, rope cargo net. The goal was to swing off the platform, grab the cargo net, and crawl up it. Easy enough, right? Several people in front of us didn’t complete the task. Char-the-Star was told to go around because of her long fingernails. WTH?! Voted off the platform. G-MONEY was up first. They strap him in, but one of the ropes was incorrectly placed under his arm. The moment of truth came and off he goes. From the start, I could tell he didn’t have enough speed to make it. OH NO! And then he kinda dangled there until they lowered him and he’d have to climb up a ladder. Hotlips is next. If she was scared or nervous, I couldn’t tell. Whoosh! Off she goes. Contacts the cargo net, and bounces off then another attempt. She’s got it w/ her right hand but it slips away. She is lowered too. The Dominican is grumbling like a jaded janitor. He looks at me w/ blood shut eyes and barks, “Can you do this?” I solemnly nod and state, “Let’s rock.” I’m amp’d! My heart threatens to leap out of my chest. Whoosh! I feel the line got taught at the apex, I pull my legs up for more speed (love to go fast), and seconds before impact I spread eagle like a 3 week old kitten flying through the air headed for the drapes. SMACK! I had the cargo net in my GI Joe Kung Fu grip. Like hell I was letting go. The lil’ man above me says “Come up.” Lord! After all the bruises, scratches and more it was time to return to the ship. I had some complimentary Jungle Juice, gasoline in a plastic cup to deadened the pain. [later] All 6 of us tried sunning ourselves on Lido but a persistent rain cloud forced us inside. After photos on formal night, dinner and the show it was time to just crash.
I was certainly done playing games.
October 3rd 2007
"Shipwrecked"
Barbados
This is tragic. I'm big eyed in bed at 8 in the morning on my vaca. WTH? Thankfully, it's not alarm shock. Fine. I'll get going. Yesterday I was tasked by David to return sunglasses left in the van. Bounced over to the Shore Excursion Desk, left a gang of deets and searched for food. You'd think I've been holed up in my cabin, chained to my bed and haven't seen grub in 10 days. [back to the cabin] Char-the-Star found online a beautiful beach area on Barbados called "the Boatyard". The Brew Crew all motored out there for fun, sun, and surf. 15 bones let you in w/ a complimentary drink, use of the non-motorized sports (sea trampoline and climbing iceberg), chair and an umbrella. A couple hours in g-MONEY and I were getting, as he put it, shipwrecked with buckets of Corona. Charlene laughed it was almost a Corona commercial. My body was aching from yesterday's adventure but g-MONEY said the sea trampoline was reachable even for me. I swim slightly better than a brick. I'll try it later. [fast forward to later] Charlene knows my swimming abilities, or rather lack thereof. I told her my intentions and to watch for me. I waded out as far as I could then launched into what I called swimming. I'm thinking what the hell am I doing out here? I grab a hold of the ladder to climb. As I climbed a wave racked the trampoline, my ring finger gets caught on the side of the ladder, my wedding ring slips off and into the ocean. OMGWTF?! Neko, the Boatyard attendant, saw this. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes. It's gone. Simply gone. He immediately calmed me down and assured me, that we'll find it. Yeah right. That's all you guy. Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit. Thankfully there's a Baywatch red floating device tethered to the trampoline. I try for 30 minutes to recover it. Neko is explaining what to do to ensure our best chance of success. I raise the white flag of surrender. My arms, legs, and lungs are mush. I ask him if he'll at least hold his position while I get the troops. He comp'd me a snorkel set in the SCUBA shop. I drag my sorry-oh-so-very-sorry ass self onshore. Make the defeated march to Char-the-Star and g-MONEY. I announce that I am in trouble. I would be grateful for their help as I start explaining... 'bout 20 seconds in Charlene and Scott jump up, and immediately make their way to the trampoline. I have the snorkel gear in hand but I was ordered to get a life jacket, too. By the time I got situated like an overprotected 5 year old w/ lifejacket (where have I seen this before and not nearly as funny?) and snorkel gear I made it to the shore edge. The dynamic duo were wading back and waving me off. Neko had found it after an hour plus searching. I sigh in relief. Thank god for him. Of course, he wouldn't accept money. The sheer act of gratitude was enough. Bullcrap. He mumbled something about needing a drink. No doubt! I aged about 20 years and needed a drink, a smoke and perhaps some Valium. We walked into the bar. Now to truly appreciate this scene, imagine a 6'3 or so bald, black man built like Arnold Schwarzenegger in a wetsuit standing next to me. Quite a scene. I told the bartender Neko's money is no good here today. Or @ least right now. He ordered an iced tea, New York style. As did I. He wanted a pack of smokes; no problem. He chatted me up for a bit, probably trying to figure out his new number one fan. I say out loud and fingered him as my new hero. The local bar flys laughed. That's Neko for ya. I left him w/ another Long Island and a hand shake. As I walked toward the door, 2 scantily clad hourglass bodied women brush past. Neko, you're still our hero! [insert eye roll here] Needless to say, I stay on the beach for the remainder of the day... Charlene needed some retail therapy, and I was well on my way for a nuclear meltdown as I needed food in a big way. [back onboard the Carnival Destiny] I savagely wolfed down food from the lunch buffet. I, then, crashed for seemed like days in bed until dinner. After dinner, a juggler and comedian were performing for the late show. Standard for a Carnival cruise. But tonight was the Great, Late Mexican Buffet and Bathrobe Party. (Awesome Casa de Bayne party theme/idea, BTW) I managed the Cha-cha Slide and Cupid Shuffle in this damnable terry cloth robe. We smashed it up until the music stopped in the early morning hours.
October 4th 2007
"Playing Ahab"
St. Lucia
Um. Charlene and I booked a dolphin and whale watching excursion w/ a 85% success rate. We must've been the other 15%, 'cause we didn't see anything for hours except open ocean. Since we (the passengers) were so disappointed Nick and Captain Loreto gave us a boat-island tour. We were shown a bat cave (yes, hundreds of those flying rats) and Marigot Bay. The boat dropped us off at the cruise pier. I didn't realize how disappointed I was until I looked at the camera; 0 new photos. Cest la vie, nature's fickle like that.
October 5th 2007
"What Might've Been"
Antigua
We woke up on time for our shore excursion even though the cabin didn't see us until 3a. Today was a kayaking and walking eco adventure. However, the weather seemed to be rainy, cloudy, and generally bad. The vendor did give us the option of not going due to inclement weather for a full refund or continue. Either way we chose, we must obey it. I left that decision to Charlene since this was her choice. We bailed; pulled the ripcord. We walked into town... after running the gauntlet of frenzied vendors, taxi offers, etc. I don't blame them for trying to earn a living, like most of the other passengers. We needed some retail therapy by now. Char found a super cute dress that she later wear on the cruise, and I couldn't pass on some discounted Triton bling. [onboard] We tried hanging out on the Lido Deck. We struggled again w/ on again-off again rain. Finally bombed back to the cabin in frustration. It was our 2nd formal night, which meant more photo ops. Of course, in complete role reversal I wanted many photos and Charlene wanted as few as possible. After dinner, Pinay Power and Smokin’ Aces wanted to scan the karaoke scene in Downbeat. The rest of us bailed down to the Onyx Bar. We smoked and drank. Hotlips and g-MONEY found that Noreen in the Cheers bar knows how to make a terrific Washington Apple. I eventually scooted upstairs. Lupe's turn was almost up, so I hauled everyone up from the Onyx. We cheered her on for 99 Red Balloons. She straight killed it. She has a beautiful voice. Then dancing! The disco was going already. After a few songs, the social hostesses took over and staged "So You Think You Can Dance" contest. Oh boy. You'd think I'd run right out there, huh? NOPE! 5 contestants, 1 winner. One in particular was Ryan from Idaho. He "danced" to AC/DC in round 1. That meant grabbing his crotch and w/ a rock symbol raised high w/ the other hand. He was CRUNK! There were 3 total rounds. Ryan advanced w/ 3 other contestants. Next was round 2. 4 girls he was with kept cheering him on, even came out to give him a straight shot of Jaeger. Ick. Now, he's sweating up a storm (shirt is soaked) by bouncing around a ton like an epilipic seizure. He plows his way into the finals. He and a girl that had some sweet dance moves but only knew this hip, swirl and twirl action. She goes first. Meanwhile by the DJ booth, Ryan hurls on the dance floor / DJ booth area. NASTY!! That was a buzz kill. Kaelyn passed the trophy to skirt thus ending the contest by default. Once a biohazard / hazmat lady cleaned up the mess, we stayed on to dance the night away. Had Ryan not been crunk, he might've won. Shoot - I may have given him a run for his money.
October 6th 2007
"Last Night Blues"
All I could think is it better be sunny out for our Fun Day @ Sea. Whatever the hell that means. Sure enough, the Captain navigated the ship into open waters, sunny skies. The pool area was crackin'! Swimming, drinking, smoking, tanning, and more was going on. Sometime in the afternoon we all drifted off to sleep. Disco nap! We all had some errands to be completed before dinner so we split. We said goodbye to Raja and MPFransieni and our 4 other tablemates. Again, packing and other errands needed to be done. We agreed to meet in the Onyx once last time. This jazz lounge is so choice. The magic show was skipped on the sole basis that C+ performers are usually performing on the last night. So we drank heavily instead.
October 7th 2007
I certainly was destined for fun on the Fun Ship Carnival Destiny. And I indeed did get!
No Fear,
Carlos Bayne
Intrepid Traveler
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